Xtemulation Forums: Xtemulation Forums -> I'm trying to live again

Can you sing me to sleep? I can't rest easy without a lullaby.

I've been thinking pretty deep about that question, 'What's the worst thing you have ever done'
....and how I avoided it. Guess I didn't want to face up to the answer, (who thought of such a horrible question? )

I was out tonight, with some friends and there's this one girl. She's such a sweet girl and we never really talk, but some life changing stuff happened
Men with guns hiding in the street outside our building, swat and police vans setting up roadblocks, you know the drill - it's Scotland after all.

So I'm walking home half an hour ago (listening to music) and she jumps me
...but I guess how I dealt with that weirded her out a little and she asks why I didn't even get phased by her and my answer was the most honest words I have ever spoken.

'Dead people can't be scared'

It's time to face up to the worst thing I ever did and if you still want to even speak to me after reading it then you're excused to move on.
I'd appreciate it even if it was to tell me it was time to say goodbye

I was just a boy back then, young and scared and what I feared was the same as most boys. I was scared a girl didn't love me. I didn't feel like she even cared
A stupid friend of mine told me to get in trouble like an accident and see if the girl would care if I was hurt. I had been dating this girl for 5 months and...yeah

I did get in trouble and a lot more than was planned. A serious amount of injury and I died in the hospital. It was strange, the next day on that bed I felt so much shame.
I felt dirty and didn't want my family near me so I waited alone.

I didn't care about my childish test on that girl, I just wanted her to be there so I didn't have to think anymore. So I waited, and waited, and waited ...but she didn't show.
Never held it against her, people have their own lives and you can't make someone love you. To be that selfish is immature and just wrong on so many levels
It was really lonely

That girl and I continued as if nothing had ever happened but I had died in more ways than one, there were promises I made which I just ignored.
I was a pretty cold guy in my head but still very comforting to her like always and inevitably we broke up on christmas eve.

I found out that on the day I was in hospital, she took the morning off work and stayed in bed all day upset, her father had killed himself and she thought I had tried to.
She needed comfort and to become stronger so I got back with her to let her dump me, I told her what she wanted to hear about my accident so she could let go and gain some confidence.
She waited until 10 minutes into my 21st birthday before text-dumping me and having her birthday party that same day. Good on her I guessed, but turns out that I broke her heart.

That's what kind of person I was and that's my crime. Understandably this must be one of the cruelest things you've heard about and it would be right to say that I'm not a good guy and we probably wouldn't get along.

....yeah, bet you weren't expecting such a whiny reply but it wouldn't be right to let you get involved in the dark about this.
If you still want to, i'm pretty cheery (if sarcy), a good laugh and pretty caring

....*feels awkward, silence*

I actually could do with being sung to sleep tonight lol